Sunday, July 31, 2011

Quotes of the Week, Yogi Berra Edition

The Hall of Fame catcher for the Yankees and Manager of the Mets is much better remembered for his unique sense of humor. Enjoy.

“Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded"

“If you don’t know where you’re going, you probably will wind up somewhere else.”

“90% of the game is mental. The other half is physical.”

“Half the lies they say about me ain’t true.”

“This is like déjà vu all over again.”

“He must have made that before he died.”— (referring to a Steve McQueen movie)

“You’d better cut the pizza into 4 pieces, because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”

“It was impossible to get a conversation going; everyone was talking too much!”

“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

“I made a wrong mistake.”

“You give 100% in the first half of the game, and if that’s not enough in the second half you give what’s left.”

“90% of the putts that are short don’t go in.”

“Thanks, you don’t look too hot yourself.”— (when told that he looked cool)

“You can observe a lot by just watching.”

“I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”

“The other team could make trouble for us if they win.”

“You should always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

“I didn’t really say everything I said.”

Friday, July 29, 2011

Friday Funny: The Difference Between Men and Women

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to 
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends 
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit 
late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I 
suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but 
he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I 
asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't 
upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On 
the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept 
driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 
'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him 
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  He just sat 
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and 
absent.  Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. 
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was 
distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I 
cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are 
with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Goodbye to a Friend - A Short Story

Mr. Brown’s suitcase wasn’t fully unpacked when he sat down at his new desk with a pen and paper. It had been a while since he last wrote a real letter instead of an e-mail, but he knew the address to write atop the envelope by heart. It was the place from which he had just come. He gazed out the cramped window, as of yet undecorated. After daydreaming for a moment, he began to write.

Dear Jake,

From the day I was born, you have been my constant companion. We have been so inseparable for so long that sometimes it has been difficult to tell us apart. I still remember all the times my own mother would get us confused! We’ve had a lot of fun times over the years. In some ways you have formed me into the man I am today. I still remember the time we hopped the neighbor’s fence to retrieve our treasured baseball, returning just in time to avoid getting mauled by the neighbors dog. I entered elementary school, middle school, and high school with you by my side. Whether it was stealing cookies from the cupboard at my house, enormous manhunt games at night, sleepovers with other friends, playing all those pranks on Mrs. Jackson in Bio, or more recent endeavors, the memories we made together included some of the best moments of my life. Even the bad ones have taught me valuable lessons which I keep with me to this day. It is for these reasons that our parting is made especially difficult.
If I could have my way, I would not yet leave your company. There is more fun yet to be had, and I wish our partnership needn’t yet end. This farewell has been brought about by forces beyond our control. However, I cannot deny that we have become increasingly distant in recent years. I assure you that this is through no fault of your own; you are the same you always have been, and the same you always will be. Rather, it is I who has changed, and I’ve done so in a way that would make even the closest of friends incompatible. Gone are the days when we might be confused for one another; we are not nearly the same person anymore. You have your hobbies, lifestyle, and responsibilities, and I have mine. I have a different course now, and I must move on. I don’t yet know what that path is, but I suspect it is one you could not follow. I hope you understand. Please know that wherever this path leads me, I will go there with your memory.

Sincerely yours,
Jacob Brown

Satisfied with his work, Jacob Brown folded the paper twice and placed it in the envelope. He was about to stamp the envelope when he was startled by a sudden knock at the door. It was his roommate, whom he had hitherto seen only on Facebook. The introduction was a little awkward, but the hard work of unloading the car soon broke the ice. When they returned to their dorm room, Mr. Brown hastily tucked the envelope under his mattress and forgot about it; there was no time to mail a letter during orientation, so he’d have to send it later. He knew its recipient would understand.

My Thoughts (Thought?) on Eminent Domain

Eminent domain means that if you have land or property the government really wants, or that a company the government is in cahoots with really wants, the government can forcibly take it from you. It is legalized burglary, and I do not support it under any circumstances whatsoever. Any questions?