Friday, June 10, 2011

Friday Funny: Chuck Norris Facts

For those of you who live under a rock, Chuck Norris is the most badass man to ever walk the face of the earth. And there is a popular line of jokes out there that are merely "facts" about the black belt, world kickboxing champion, tv and movie star, and Total Gym advertiser. Here are some of my favorites:

--Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

--Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Often he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip.

--Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

--If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

--To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

--Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

--Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. To bad he never cries.

--Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

--When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

--As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

--Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

--Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

--Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

--Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

--Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

--When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

--Several thousand years ago, Chuck Norris kicked a horse in the chin. That horses descendants are today referred to as giraffes.

--Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits.

--When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

--Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

--What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

--A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

--Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

--The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

--Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

--When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

--How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

--Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

--Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

--Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

--Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

--Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

--Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

--Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

--Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

--The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

--Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

--There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he roundhouse kicked the polar ice caps.

--Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

--If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

--Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

--Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

--Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

--When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

--Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

--Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

--The Titanic accidentally ran off course and struck Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

--The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

--Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

--Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

--Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

--Chuck Norris once sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was completed, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

--Godzilla is a Japanese interpretation of Chuck Norris' first visit to Mexico.

--They once made Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem; it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

--After his doctor informed him that his urine had tested positive for steroids, Chuck Norris laughed and said “Of course it did! What do you think they make steroids from?”

--TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

--Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

--Chuck Norris doesn’t say “Who’s your daddy” because he knows the answer.

--Chuck Norris doesn’t kill 2 birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds with 2 stones.

--Chuck Norris had to agree to stop swimming in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

--Chuck Norris’s pulse is measured on the Richter scale.

--Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

--Chuck Norris needs a monkey-wrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

--At Chuck Norris’ birth, the only one crying was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

--Chuck Norris is suing Gillette for stealing his personal slogan of “the best a man can get.”

--Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool’s head off.

--Chuck Norris gets more head than a pillow.

--Chuck Norris found a way to make his penis 15 inches long: by folding it.

--Chuck Norris once got a boner while lying face down. He struck oil.

No comments:

Post a Comment