Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I've Lost My Wisdom..

...teeth. Alongside my brother, Dan, who's 16 months younger than I. At 8:30 this morning I was put on laughing gas, and made a point of not laughing just because I can. I'm one of those "mind over matter" guys, who doesn't like the idea that what my body does is beyond my control, even though I know it is, so I like to futiley fight those sorts of things. Another word for that is "moron". When he gave me the IV, I kept doing complicated math problems in my head (2500-1321 =....(thinking)....1179! ), trying to see how long I could keep my stream of conscious going and stay awake. The doctor was like "hmmm...you should be getting a bit sleepy now..." and i just shrugged my shoulders innocently. Then he injected something into my wrist, and that was the end of my mental rebellion haha. By contrast, my they told my brother as they injected him to take 5 deep breaths, after which he planned to say "Nighty Night!", and he never got the chance.

When I woke up on a cot, I felt really woozy for about a minute, but soon felt well enough to sit up and eventually walk over to the chair next to Dan's cot. He was acting like "David After Dentist". He alternated between shuddering and crying and both, and I felt bad for him because he really looked like he was having a rough go of things. After like 5 minutes he got better though, and we were able to maintain an amiable if garbled conversation. The rest of my afternoon has, and will be, full of gauze pads (causing us to sing "I am a Walrus), Vicadin (causing us to say "It's medication time" in our best One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest accent), and jello/applesauce (causing us to spill over ourselves since our bottom lips are still semi-numb). Not fun, but it could be worse.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Favorite Favorites

Anyone who uses the internet must have a "Favorites" icon in the top left corner. The origin of this ingenious little folder is convenience (which is a combination of laziness and ingenuity). You see, not only is the modern generation too lazy to read the newspaper with our hands, too lazy to purchase music at a store, to lazy to talk to our friends in person, too lazy to research using a book, too lazy to masturbate to a magazine, and too lazy to check the weather using a window, we are also too lazy to type the URL's in for the websites that expedite these tasks. For many of us, the "Favorites" folder has become the sole means of online navigation, to which we add every site we could ever possibly wish to visit.

The problem with this trend is that with more and more sites being added to our favorites, the favorites folder becomes increasingly difficult to navigate. Sites one would like to visit all the time can be buried amongst the sites you just put on your favorites so that you wouldn't need to remember the URL, and the 5 seconds it takes to scour through your list for the one you want is far too infuriating a wait for teenagers to handle. Introducing the "Favorites Bar"! Now, in addition to the favorites drop-down menu in the top left corner, you can place a button linked to your "favorite favorites" across the top of your browser. Instead of 2 clicks to get there, it now requires only one. And considering I already have 6 favorites on my favorites bar, my monitor will soon run out of space, forcing me to rank my favorite favorites in order of favoritism, to determine which favorite favorites are favored with a place on the favorites bar.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Lack-of-IQ-Tests

Of all the nuisances the typical websurfer will find on the sidebar and top-bar of junky websites, one of the most persistent is the "Real IQ Test". By now I'm used to the big red crosshairs hovering over a slow-moving farm-animal, promising a "Free iPod Nano!" if you can hit the unmissable critter. I've grown accustomed to the scantily-clad babes, clutching towels or bearing absurd cleavage, advertising for Singles.com or some trashy soft-porn spam site. My eyes barely even notice the "1 Suprising Rule for a Flat Stomach" catchphrase, nor are they drawn by the dancing female animatron beneath the title "Obama Grants Tax Credit to Single Mom's, click here to claim!" But each time I see the "Real IQ Test", I can't help but chortle at the irony of such spam. You see, the only people who are likely to click on the teaser question asking "How many triangles can you see in this figure?" or what have you, are the ones who need their IQ's investigated in the first place!

The brilliance of such a ploy is that rather than demonstrate the hoops the poor fool will have to go through in order to recieve his "100% accurate score!" from the very begginning, the spammer actually allows the buffoon to take a some lengthy sham of a test first. This not only gives the illusion that the link is genuine, but more importantly it makes the victim less willing to give up his pursuit. Having already taken the lengthy test (and due to his IQ deficiency, furled up his eyebrows and scratched his scalp in fierce concentration many times during the process) he is thus far more likely to follow through with whatever purchase/personal information release the spammer desires, because not doing so means admitting he's wasted the past 40 minutes!

But the true IQ test lies not in whether there are 4, 5, 6, or 9 triangles in the diagram, but whether the taker clicks the bubble next to any of those options at all. How cruel it is that the pitious sucker who actually purchases whatever is required to recieve one's test scores will undoubtedly be dissapointed by the results of his test anyway.

He won't be too bummed, though. After all, he's gonna be rich! It's only a few more weeks until that Nigerian Prince seeking refuge in the states transfers half his fortune into his bank account!